Even after all these years..

Did I really spend all that time loving you? I guess I really did.. I can't explain how I feel.. If I ask myself if I still love you, what would I say? Because, I honestly don't know.. It's numbing. I kept waiting, and waiting, and.. waiting. I had convinced myself that if I waited long enough, it would be MY turn, to be with you. I had convinced myself all I had to do was prove to you that I really love you. And you'd have that moment, that moment where you see the person who has been there all along, is your person. Your love. You realize that that person is everything you've ever wanted. I was convinced, as long as I learned to be patient, you'd have that moment with me. I watched you go after someone else.. and then I was fooled, and thought it was my turn.. you made me think it was.. you even walked away.. i thought you had left me for good, then you came back, and made me think we still stood a chance.. and then you went for another.. and what'd she do? she spat in your face.. Which, ironically, made my pain worse. Why? Why am I not good enough for you? I grew my hair, I stopped dying it, I grew my freakin' nails out, I started singing more, I started rooting for your stupid team. I did EVERYTHING I could possibly think of.. I was my freaking self.. and that's who you describe every time you go on about your dream woman. She's right in front of you.  But you're too blind to see that. You're too worried about what other people will think. I just loved you, for you. With every single one of your flaws. I didn't care. I accepted them. I tried every thing. I tried every thing to forget you.
To lose hope. To lose love.

Then, someone told me, don't make someone a priority, when they only make you an option..
I loved you so much, that I let you go. That is how much I love you. Maybe one day you'll love me..

But right now, I don't know if I'll still be waiting.

Pansie.

I overreact. A lot. Over-analyze. The curse of women. Or at least women like myself. It. SUCKS.It's definitely pushed away someone special. He probably thinks I'm some sort of basket case. Completely out of the question for dating material ever. Or maybe he's just blind. We'll go with that. HA! Any ways..

Is it wrong to for once want to be the normal girl? The girl who does good in school, has the pretty hair, pretty clear face.. Nice boobs. And, gets the boy she fell for? I mean. Yeah, that's a story book girl. But, I mean. Maybe it is. I used to never question the Lord. Ever. But lately, I've asked Him several times, "Why me?" I always think of Mary when I hear those two words. And then I feel bad for questioning, when I am just being dramatic in thinking I have grounds to question. It's not like an Angel showed up in my car and said, "So, you're gonna be the baby momma of God's son." Nah, that's not even close to Mary's predicament. Ha.

Yet I still get scared of where God's going with my story. I shouldn't be scared.. The most talented Author in history is writing MY biography. I mean, geesh. And, I'm scared of how it's going to turn out?

"For I know the plans I have for you" Declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - God (Jeremiah 29:11)
I am such a pansie.  Yet, two verses later it says this: "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord."
I am a pansie, dude. A selfish, and love sick crazed, over-analyzer pansie woman.

Hopefully, some day, I'll learn.

I had to rant.

Oh, Mr. Darcy.. Why don't you exist?

I love Pride and Prejudice. The one with Kirah Knightly in it. I've watched it three times in one week. I can't help myself. I wish Mr. Darcy existed. I wish people still talked that way. I wish we still dressed that way. Sorta. 

I sometimes wish we fell in love that way still. Yet, sometimes I don't. I'm a romantic at heart. Obviously. Ever since I was little I day dreamed of falling in love with my future husband, how he would propose to me, and how we would live happily ever after. I still do. Yet, as I've grown into the young woman that I am slowly becoming, I've realized it is not by any means, a fairy tale. It's my love story, written not by myself, but by my Lord. Yet, selfishly, I try to help Him write it. Why should I even dream of doing such a thing? The Almighty, the best Author in history! And I have the audacity to think I could add something to what He already has in mind. Or to try to skip a few pages into the romance. When I asked someone, whom I love very much, what if two people were meant for each other, but it hasn't worked out yet, he said "Then that story book is not over. Then it should be ready for the next chapter and the book marker will be taken out and things will start again in due time if it is God's will." I, of course cried when I read that. I'm not sure if he knows I was asking about us or not. A lot of people probably think I fall too easily or too quickly. I'm naive, yes. But, I don't fall in love easily. But when I do, if I ever have.. I'm so passionately loyal and in deep.

Maybe I'll grow out of this.
I hope so. 

What To Do?

How do I know if I'm doing the right thing? How on earth do people make these life changing decisions!? I know we've been doing them all our lives.
But, as children, it wasn't THAT big of a deal.. We always had Mommy and Daddy to fall back on. Now, we're responsible for our consequences. For years, I used to be so excited for the day I'd turn 18, to be an adult.. To be grown up. I thought I'd be this awesome Christian young lady, who would never mess up. I'd fall in love with the guy God has planned for me..and he'd propose to me in college, then we'd get married when we graduated. I had every little girl's fairy tale dream. I didn't think life would turn like this. I'm certainly not complaining. I'm thankful that life is realistically hard. Because something I love my Jesus so much for, He doesn't make it easy for me, on purpose, not to hurt me, but to help me strive, He's there, holding me up when I'm dragging myself across the floor. He loves me so passionately that He doesn't want me to become some lazy person. He wants me to be who He created me to be. How beautiful is that? That's why I don't want to fail.. I want to accomplish something great.. not for myself..but for my Lord.. To serve Him.. I want to be the woman that shines her Father's light.
But then I go and totally screw up. I'm immature, and I overreact about the most ridiculous things. Sometimes, I can't stand my youth. Because of the immaturity it brings. And at times, I have no control over it, because I haven't learned how to handle it differently. I'm not sure where God is leading me just yet.. I'm not quite sure who I'll be in a years time.. or even in 5 years. I'm just hanging on to dear life.